I really love the line in that Kings of Convenience song that reads, "Homesick, because I no longer know where home is."
That's pretty much how I feel. Today in Austin, it's seventy degrees, beautiful, and the magic hour is slowly setting in. Two days back home and my first instinct is to drive down to Airport blvd., pay my sixty dollars and hop on the bus to Mexico. I'm sick of worrying about the album, and of worrying about the fact that worrying about the album causes me to feel selfish and inconsiderate: in a world full of so many atrocities, is the viability of one's art really a valid concern? Is it something worth lamenting over?
Mexico. Why did Judee Sill go to Mexico? Many people think Judee Sill went to Mexico to die, but maybe she just got sick of everything. It seems to me that she saw things very clearly, a fact which resulted in a strange mixture of bitterness and spirituality. I would have liked to have met her, to have known whether or not she was afraid of death, and still I would like to understand the way in which she defined suffering.
Sometimes, everything round about seems pointless and vapid, and I suppose that's when you really turn to vices, the most artificial comforts of all. It's as though you can publicly operate in a world of artifice, eating it up, wearing it as you invented it, but still you must silently concede to the knowledge that under your feet runs a current of truth, fate, eventuality. An acceptance of the fact that nature is so big that it could swallow you whole at any time. Once, I visited a forest in Canada and night began to set in. As the last golden bits faded to black I became aware of how truly terrifying it would be to be lost in the dark wilderness comprised of indeterminate noises, wedged between the two huge mountains looming before me- how lonely it would be to be forced to accept a greater truth without the benifit of any company. In the face of the bigness of life, we are powerless.
So, why did Judee Sill commit suicide? Maybe it was an accident, I suppose there is no way of knowing. Perhaps she just desired escape-not because she wanted to die but because it had become difficult to be alive.